Fiction #1

“Am I kissable?” she blurted out, without thinking twice. It just came out. She didn’t intend to ask that question but it just came out. They were sitting on the park bench and staring at the setting sun. He was checking out some girls who were passing by and wasn’t really paying attention to her. She had been thinking about it for quite a while now and just said it out loud without realizing it. Now that she had said it, she felt awkward. With that one question she let all her insecurities , all her vulnerabilities out. She felt naked. She felt ashamed.

He knew the question was not meant for him but for the guy she had been dating for quite some time now. He realized that they hadn’t kissed each other and that she felt weird and insecure and hence, asked the question. It was weird coming from her because normally she didn’t like to talk about her boyfriend. She felt that there was something wrong with her and that’s why he hadn’t kissed her. She just wanted to know if that was the case.

He could have kissed her right then and there and showed her how kissable she was but he was just the friend.  The question was not meant for him. He looked at her and saw how uncomfortable asking that question had made her feel. He could see from the shame in her eyes and awkward twitching of her jaw that she was really embarrassed. “Sometimes… when a guy isn’t kissing you, it is not because he doesn’t want to kiss you. Sometimes, it is just that he doesn’t think he deserves you. He just doesn’t think he is worthy of you. He might want to kiss you more than anything in the world but when he looks at your face he feels belittled by your beauty and diminished by your intelligence and just questions himself if he really deserves you. Sometimes, he is just wondering if he is allowed to kiss you. Sometimes, he is just afraid to lose you and doesn’t want to take that risk. He just doesn’t want to give you a reason to leave him. ‘What if she doesn’t want to kiss me?’, ‘What if she doesn’t enjoy it?’, ‘What if she thinks I am being horny?’ he keeps wondering. Sometimes, he is just afraid and that is the reason he is not kissing you. Sometimes, he is just being stupid and over-thinking it but he is just unable to gather the courage. Sometimes, it is just him and not you.” he thought of saying. Funny how he couldn’t even muster the courage to say that.

He ended up replying with a “Hey, don’t worry! You are a good girl and if there is a problem, it is with him not you.”

She wasn’t satisfied with the answer but she made do.

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7 thoughts on “Fiction #1

  1. Pingback: Stupid is… | merlinspielen

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