Before sunrise

There is tiredness in staying awake all night alone. You think too much, you drink too much and you analyze too much. You worry too much, you feel lonely and you listen to sad songs; it is depressing. Being awake all night alone is an exhaustive experience and he hated it. This was so much better, he thought.

It was a clear sky. The stars were sparkling and sprinkling their magic all over the world. The sea was in a good mood. The calm waves crashed the shore from time to time without disturbing anyone. Occasionally, it would rise a little higher and crash a little louder just to remind everyone of its presence. The wind was cold and breezy but not cold enough to deserve their attention. He looked at her and was happy that tonight he wasn’t alone. They had had a lovely dinner at a nearby restaurant and decided to take a walk to the beach to keep the conversation going. Walking to the beach, neither had planned to spend the entire night there but they had just lost track of time as the conversations kept flowing. They didn’t realize that they had, not consciously but by not mentioning how late it was getting, decided to sit there till as long as they could. They talked, initially, about the everyday routine of their life. The first few hours quickly passed by talking about the usual stuff, about mutual friends and sharing funny stories from their everyday boring routine. After a while, the conversation turned a little personal. Even though they had been dating for a while now, when it came to personal stuff, their always seemed to be something they hadn’t shared with each other before. That is the thing about secrets. We all have secrets in our life and every secret requires a trust limit that needs to be crossed to be privileged enough to know it. A certain trust limit had been achieved tonight and they were willing to share a bit more of their personal life with each other – their fears, their insecurities and their worries. For some reason, sharing their secrets, their deepest fears, things that mattered the most to them didn’t seem very hard today. They both felt in sync with each other. The side of them they never shared in fear of being misjudged and thought of as weird, was shared today without a second thought. It felt good. That was the beauty of their love. Some days everything seemed perfect and some days, nothing did. Thankfully, this was the former.

The night seemed to be coming to an end. They could see the initial sign of sun in the sky. It was still dark but the sun was not far away and they knew it would be morning soon. He pause the music. They were listening to songs from her favorite playlist and staring at the endless sea for some time now. He turned towards her and stared at her. He could see an ocean of emotions in her eyes. For some strange reason he couldn’t put his finger on, she looked more beautiful in that moment than any moment ever, as far as he could remember. The wind was playing with her hair and complimenting her beauty. He wondered what it was about the night that made her look so beautiful. May be it was the moonlight falling on her face or the stars twinkling in her eyes or the smile of contentment and joy that staring into the infinite sea brought to her face or maybe it was a combination of it all, he thought. After a few seconds, she realized that the music had stopped. She turned around to look at him. She saw him staring at her intensely like some hero in a romantic movie of the 90s looks at the love of his life. She knew he loved her, although they had never said it to each other. She looked at him and saw the look in his eyes and smiled as she saw something else in his eyes too. Besides the I-am-in-love look that he had in his eyes, he also had this other look where he wanted to kiss her and she knew it all too well. Being the romantic guy that he was, he never seemed to have enough of kissing her and in a moment like this he always wanted to kiss. And he looked so cute with that look on his face that she couldn’t resist him either. She moved forward and kissed him on the lips.

Under the starry sky, with the sound of waves crashing in a rhythm that was music to their ears, with the cool wind breezing past them only bringing them closer and the sun now ready to rise in the sky to announce the new day, they kissed. As she started to let go, he pulled her back in; not ready to let go yet. He kissed her strongly and she responded back with the same passion that he exhibited. At first it was just a normal sweet kiss and then all the passion took over. They kissed for as long as they could only parting lips to let some oxygen in. They lingered for a moment. Their eyes were shut and their lips were still close to each other’s and they could feel each other’s breath in their mouth. When he had caught his breath, he gave a small but lasting peck on her lips to end the kiss and she smiled. Sometimes he just does everything the right way, she thought.

They opened their eyes and moved apart to face the sea again. It was morning. The darkness of night was washed away by the first rays of the sun and the sky was a light blue. It was a beautiful morning. ‘We kissed at night and that moment felt like eternity and when we parted away and opened our eyes, it was morning. That kiss converted the night into morning. It drove away the darkness out of my life and brightened my life. It was the most memorable kiss I have ever had and this has been one of the best nights of my life’ he said. She looked at him with an amused look, half smiling. He was and always has been the more romantic person in their relationship but even after dating him for all this time, she never actually got used to how he came with the cheesiest of things to say. She was happily amused. Looking at the amused look on her face, he added ‘Too much of my romantic, poetic shit for you to handle?’ feeling awkward at having said it in such a bad way when all he wanted to convey was a very basic feeling that she was very special to him. He knew that sometimes in his desperate attempt to be a romantic, he just said plainly stupid things. ‘No, no… nothing like that. The thought and the gesture were sweet, and the kiss was great and memorable too… and this has been one of the best nights of my life as well… but only if you had said it all in a better way…’ she trailed off. He smiled at her, glad to know that she felt the same way. ‘Well, in a fairy tale version of the story, I do say it in a better way’ he replied giving a weak defense for his stupidity.  ‘Well’, she started, leaning towards him at the same time, ‘this is the closest I have come to any fairy tale and I love every bit of it, including you’ she said. ‘I love you’ she added, before kissing him again. She hadn’t thought she would say it tonight. She wasn’t even sure if she loved him till before tonight but saying it to him made her sure of it. For a moment, it scared her – the realization of having said it and of admitting it but only till he leaned forward and kissed her with full intensity. After that, she just kind of forgot having ever said it.

Fiction #1

“Am I kissable?” she blurted out, without thinking twice. It just came out. She didn’t intend to ask that question but it just came out. They were sitting on the park bench and staring at the setting sun. He was checking out some girls who were passing by and wasn’t really paying attention to her. She had been thinking about it for quite a while now and just said it out loud without realizing it. Now that she had said it, she felt awkward. With that one question she let all her insecurities , all her vulnerabilities out. She felt naked. She felt ashamed.

He knew the question was not meant for him but for the guy she had been dating for quite some time now. He realized that they hadn’t kissed each other and that she felt weird and insecure and hence, asked the question. It was weird coming from her because normally she didn’t like to talk about her boyfriend. She felt that there was something wrong with her and that’s why he hadn’t kissed her. She just wanted to know if that was the case.

He could have kissed her right then and there and showed her how kissable she was but he was just the friend.  The question was not meant for him. He looked at her and saw how uncomfortable asking that question had made her feel. He could see from the shame in her eyes and awkward twitching of her jaw that she was really embarrassed. “Sometimes… when a guy isn’t kissing you, it is not because he doesn’t want to kiss you. Sometimes, it is just that he doesn’t think he deserves you. He just doesn’t think he is worthy of you. He might want to kiss you more than anything in the world but when he looks at your face he feels belittled by your beauty and diminished by your intelligence and just questions himself if he really deserves you. Sometimes, he is just wondering if he is allowed to kiss you. Sometimes, he is just afraid to lose you and doesn’t want to take that risk. He just doesn’t want to give you a reason to leave him. ‘What if she doesn’t want to kiss me?’, ‘What if she doesn’t enjoy it?’, ‘What if she thinks I am being horny?’ he keeps wondering. Sometimes, he is just afraid and that is the reason he is not kissing you. Sometimes, he is just being stupid and over-thinking it but he is just unable to gather the courage. Sometimes, it is just him and not you.” he thought of saying. Funny how he couldn’t even muster the courage to say that.

He ended up replying with a “Hey, don’t worry! You are a good girl and if there is a problem, it is with him not you.”

She wasn’t satisfied with the answer but she made do.

This is enough… enough for now!

Walking down the road, I see you across the street
Looking all pretty and happy and smiling with glee

You look at me and we share this glance
Then you raise your eyebrows, smile at me and move on

And I just stand there like a fool, thinking
About that smile and you and us and about this feeling

And all I want to do is come up to you and say
How I feel about you and ask, if you feel the same.

But I don’t.
Cause this smile is enough… enough for now!

She is just sitting on her computer, studying for her exam
Getting all worried and upset but still trying to stay calm

Her mobile beeps and it is a text from him
He asks about her day and how she has been

And she is smiling and smiling and she doesn’t know why
Because she hates him for not doing this often and for being so shy

Because she would love nothing more than for him to call
Ask about her day; listen to her problems and well, that’s all.

But he never does and she still smiles
Cause this message is enough… enough for now!

He is dancing with her, having one of the best nights of his life
Celebrating a friend’s birthday, partying and drinking wine

She is drunk and happy and suddenly she starts feeling a little blue
So she leans on his shoulder and hugs him and he has got no clue

He is sitting there, his heart beating faster and it is back
The love he had for her; the love that he still has

And he knows she doesn’t love him and that they promised to stay friends
But he can’t stop thinking about her; can’t get her out of his head.

So he makes do with this hug
Cause this hug is enough… enough for now!

She is sitting in her cubicle, tired and frustrated
Hating everything about today; annoyed and irritated

He walks in with two cups of tea and his stupid grin
Cracks some jokes and tells stupid stories, which makes her forget everything

Then he gets up, kisses her on her forehead and leaves
Taking with him all her problems and all her worries

And she hates him for always being a friend and not making a move
When she is so apparently smitten by him and so obviously in love

But for now she settles for the kiss on her forehead
Cause this kiss is enough… enough for now!

They just came back from dinner and are standing in front of her door
Exchanging their final goodbyes for the night but secretly wishing for more

The dinner was amazing and the night was wonderfully spent
With the right amount of laughter and right amount of sentiment

And they are just standing there unsure about what to do next
Risk the kiss on lips or just hug and let go of the rest

Then he moves forward, hugs her and kisses her gently on her cheek
Wishes her a good night, asks her to sleep well and leaves.

And even though they both wanted more than this, they smile
Cause this peck is enough… enough for now!

They are sitting next to each other, under the starry sky
Staring at the endless sea and watching the waves rise high

They are talking about love and life; of how fast the time flies
Reliving memories and sharing old stories; of a love that never dies

And he loves her like he has never loved anyone before
And he knows she loves him too; loves him to the core

But they don’t say it because saying it will only make it worse
As they can’t give each other forever and that is their curse.

So they just sit there and relish their love
Cause this love is enough… enough for now!