Two People Don’t Fall In Love At The Same Time

I fell for her
Like a star falls for the night.
And she fell for me too
Although not at the first sight.

Apparently, two people fall in love
But not at the same time;
One falls first and then waits
Days, weeks, months – for the other to realize.

And if you feel that is harsh;
If you feel love is cruel,
Just wait till you reach the end
Where love makes you a fool.

Because just like falling in love,
Falling out of love isn’t synchronized either;
Usually, one person walks out too fast,
Leaving the other person emptier than before.

And as long and difficult as waiting for someone
To fall in love with you can be,
It is worse when you are crawling out of it alone
And you have to make it look easy.

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The Friendship Should Last

Is it too naive to expect
That relationships will last?
That people will stay
And not become past.
 
Is it too stupid to assume
That friends will always matter?
That whatever happens
The friendship will keep getting better.
 
Every relationship grows
Into a beautiful thing;
Until it gets ruined by expectations
And the search for meaning.
 
Every friendship vows
To last a lifetime
Until life gets in the way
And spoils all rhythm and rhyme.
 
The start of every relationship
Makes you feel immensely special
The bond is just growing strong
And everything just falls into a pattern.
 
But as the good times pass
I often fear, the worst might happen
That people will leave
And I will be left alone; forgotten.
 
Hence all I ask is for us
To stay in touch.
The friendship should last
I don’t ask for much.

Fiction 4

‘Why are you so hard?’ she almost screamed out of frustration. He wished it was meant in a sexual way. Although that would have been embarrassing, but it would be easy to explain or deal with. This was not meant in that way. She meant it in a personal sense. She was frustrated with him. It was so tough to figure him out. He wouldn’t open up, he wouldn’t talk much, he wouldn’t share his feelings with her and still he would act like it was her fault. She had given him a birthday gift which had been the toughest thing to do for her since she had decided to date him. It was actually the first time, in their 8 month relationship, that she had realized how she didn’t know him that well and how the entire relationship was just one sided. She was investing it all in the relationship. It was like if a book was written on their relationship, you could call it her biography. She was surprised to realize it and also felt a little bad thinking that she was overshadowing the relationship. She didn’t like it. Only later she realized that it was his nature and not her fault. He didn’t like to talk much about himself and his likes and dislikes. It was all about her. She had, after much struggle, found something for him. She had known that he loved cricket so she decided to give him a book that had the story of his favorite cricket player. She had found about the book and heard good things about it. She thought he would love it and would be really excited about it. But he reacted in such a bad way that she just wanted to kick him in the groin and storm out. She didn’t though. She stayed. Not only that, she had cooked him his favorite delicacy Chicken Tikka but when he saw it he commented that he was in the mood for some pasta today. She couldn’t take it anymore. Why was it so hard to make him happy? He made her so happy at times and she wanted to reciprocate it by doing something nice for him but she always failed. And today, when she thought she was about to be successful in making him happy and giving him a good birthday gift, he appears to have not liked it. She couldn’t take it anymore. ‘Why are you so hard?’ she repeated, not screaming this time but genuinely asking. ‘Why are you so difficult to please? Why couldn’t you be happy at the fact that I cooked for you knowing that I never cook for anyone? Why can’t you understand that you don’t talk much and you are not the expressive kind of person and that makes it harder to shop for you? Why can’t you appreciate the effort that I make? Why is it hard to make you happy?’ She just gave in. Letting it all out. She just couldn’t keep it all in.

He stood there listening to her patiently. He knew what she meant. He had understood it when she said it the first time. He already knew he wasn’t easy to be with. Also, that he was a very insecure person and found it hard to discuss his life and secrets with others. There was only one person whom he could actually tell all his secrets to and that had taken him many years to be able to do so. In that perspective, she was very new to him and although he loved her (or at least thought so) he couldn’t just tell her things about him. He just couldn’t; not that he didn’t want to but he just couldn’t. Her final sentence was the last nail in the coffin. The moment she said, ‘Why is it hard to make you happy?’ he knew she was the girl for him. He was a much screwed up person. He wouldn’t tell people what he wanted (mainly because he himself didn’t know) but he would expect them to understand it. He was like that and he knew it.

He thought for a moment before replying. He carefully thought of what he would say because he knew that it would matter and it had to be perfect so as he doesn’t lose her. He really didn’t want to lose her. He contemplated a few things, gathered his thoughts and spoke in the earnest possible way he could. ‘I am sorry’ he started, ‘I am sorry that I disappointed you today and I am sorry that I make it so tough for you. I know that I am messed up and I know that I am tough to get along with and I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to be in a relationship with someone and not know what they think or feel most of the time.’ He stopped for a moment to gauge her reaction but she didn’t react. She was listening very intently may be saving everything she had to say for the end. He continued nevertheless, ‘It has been very tough living like this. I don’t trust people very often and I don’t feel comfortable confiding in them all my secrets and likes and dislikes. Some times that is because I don’t think the other person will appreciate it but most of the times it is because I don’t think the other person will respect it. I am a weird person with not-so-normal likes and dislikes and I have always thought that keeping your secrets to yourself is better than telling it to people. I know I don’t talk much and that must be hard and disappointing for you. Till now I have only trusted one person with my life because no one else came close enough and no one else seemed interested. But that seems to be changing. I would like to share my life with you. I would like to give my all to this relationship. I feel like talking to you and sharing my life with you. You seem to understand things which no one else does. You seem to care. Very few people in my life have tried to understand me and cared for me. You seem to be one of them. I don’t want to lose this. I want to hold on to this” he trailed off. “I don’t want to lose you. I love you’ he added before she could say anything. She looked at him and waited for him to stare back into her eyes. He felt ashamed and was nervously looking down. Very slowly, he looked up into her eyes. She looked into his eyes and saw it. She saw the love. She knew it was true love. He looked at her with expectant eyes. ‘I love you too, you fool’ she said and moved forward to kiss him. He kissed her back. Nothing more needed to be said. All the feelings, all the emotions, everything was conveyed in that kiss. Kisses after fights are the most passionate ones and this one was no exception. They kissed till they could; only stopping to breathe.

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Fiction #1

“Am I kissable?” she blurted out, without thinking twice. It just came out. She didn’t intend to ask that question but it just came out. They were sitting on the park bench and staring at the setting sun. He was checking out some girls who were passing by and wasn’t really paying attention to her. She had been thinking about it for quite a while now and just said it out loud without realizing it. Now that she had said it, she felt awkward. With that one question she let all her insecurities , all her vulnerabilities out. She felt naked. She felt ashamed.

He knew the question was not meant for him but for the guy she had been dating for quite some time now. He realized that they hadn’t kissed each other and that she felt weird and insecure and hence, asked the question. It was weird coming from her because normally she didn’t like to talk about her boyfriend. She felt that there was something wrong with her and that’s why he hadn’t kissed her. She just wanted to know if that was the case.

He could have kissed her right then and there and showed her how kissable she was but he was just the friend.  The question was not meant for him. He looked at her and saw how uncomfortable asking that question had made her feel. He could see from the shame in her eyes and awkward twitching of her jaw that she was really embarrassed. “Sometimes… when a guy isn’t kissing you, it is not because he doesn’t want to kiss you. Sometimes, it is just that he doesn’t think he deserves you. He just doesn’t think he is worthy of you. He might want to kiss you more than anything in the world but when he looks at your face he feels belittled by your beauty and diminished by your intelligence and just questions himself if he really deserves you. Sometimes, he is just wondering if he is allowed to kiss you. Sometimes, he is just afraid to lose you and doesn’t want to take that risk. He just doesn’t want to give you a reason to leave him. ‘What if she doesn’t want to kiss me?’, ‘What if she doesn’t enjoy it?’, ‘What if she thinks I am being horny?’ he keeps wondering. Sometimes, he is just afraid and that is the reason he is not kissing you. Sometimes, he is just being stupid and over-thinking it but he is just unable to gather the courage. Sometimes, it is just him and not you.” he thought of saying. Funny how he couldn’t even muster the courage to say that.

He ended up replying with a “Hey, don’t worry! You are a good girl and if there is a problem, it is with him not you.”

She wasn’t satisfied with the answer but she made do.

Single and cool with it!

You meet a girl, you like that girl, you tell your friends that there is this girl that you like and every one of your friend(well, almost) reacts in the same way ‘Oh, that is good.. Go ahead… make a move… ask her out… do something… she can be your girlfriend’. ‘If you  like a girl, you are supposed to try for her even if you have met her just once’ is like some new rule. Why is it so important that I try for the girl just after I have met her once? Why is it important that I make some move ASAP? Why do I have to decide right now if I want her to become my girlfriend? ‘Hey, you have to call her or ping her within three days dude.’ says a friend and on retorting that I don’t understand this shitty rule he replies ‘Hey its the Barney Stinson rule!’ Well, OK THEN!

We have come to accept this thing that if you like a girl then you immediately have to start trying for her and start flirting with her. People react in such impossibly shocking way when you say that you just want to be friends with that girl that I think it is the most stupidest thing to say EVER. ‘You wanna be friends with her? Why? But she is pretty? But you like her?’. Some even go at length to say ‘par ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ho sakte be!’ and I really wanna slap them in the face. Please! A guy and a girl can easily be friends and stay that way. May be, MAY BE, they can’t be the bestest of friends but they surely can be friends. I think these people hear ‘love’ when I say ‘like’ a girl cause for me liking a girl is really no big deal. Especially when you have just met the girl once in which case you don’t know much about her and you don’t actually like the girl but you just like the idea of her. If you start going after every girl you like, how can you stay friends with girls? Its stupid! At least wait to be sure if you really wanna be in a relationship with her before you try to make a move or whatever it is that you are gonna do.

I don’t understand why it is so important to go after a girl or why it is so important to be in a relationship? Why is it so important that I find some girl and be in a relationship with her? Why do I have to be in a relationship with some girl? Moreover, why does everyone wants me to be in a relationship? Why do WE want everybody to be in a relationship? ‘Oh, you are single, go find some girl and be in a relationship with her!’ Why isn’t single cool? Being judged for being single is the new thing it seems, however small thing it might be. People judge you if you are single and if not then there is at the least this admiration for people who are in a relationship, no matter how shitty their relationship might be. May be this is just me. Studying in a engineering college and that too in  I.I.T. where boy to girl ratio is 10 to 1 and way more less if you look at some particular department, that is the view you tend to develop. People who are in a relationship are the ‘dudes’ in my college. ‘Hey that guy is awesome, you know? Have you seen his girlfriend?’ is how people refer to the idiots in our college. People who are in a relationship are respected so much that people who are single are subconsciously looked at as nobody or losers. It’s not bad to be in a relationship but it is in no way bad to be single either.

What I am not comfortable with is the idea that you should have a go at every girl that you meet and like; that every time you meet some girl and like her, you should question yourself if you want to be in a relationship with her and if you feel even a little bit inclined to it you should get her phone number, friend her on facebook, ping her, message her, and constantly try for her till she gives up and starts liking you or till she friendzones you. Well that seems to be the way people get into a relationship these days. It’s sort of funny to me that people who have known each other for like 4-5 weeks get into a relationship. I mean I don’t even consider someone as a good friend if i have know them for that short period of time. (May be that is why I am single. :P)

My idea of relationship is very old school, I suppose. You meet some girl, you become friends, you spend more time together, you become good friends, you go through the ups and downs of life together(as friends) and then may be somewhere along the way fall in love with each other. Too filmy? Too kuch kuch hota hai, jaane tu ya jaane na, Hum Tum type filmy? I know! I am not saying this is the best way to fall in love. This is just one way. My point is one shouldn’t think about being in a relationship with every girl they like. It is okay to be single. Not every time you meet some girl that you like, do you need to ask yourself if you wanna be in a relationship with her? Being single is cool! And wanting to be single is way more cooler!

PS: I am sorry if I have gone off the limits in some places and if this offends someone. Please let me know if it does. 😛 I may have said too much in some places some of it might not even be true like the statement “People who are in a relationship are respected so much that people who are single are subconsciously looked at as nobody or losers.” but it was just too much emotions flowing. 🙂

Getting hurt is part of the process of learning and growing up – it’s how you deal with and react to hurt that determines the future of your relationship.

Actor Aamir Khan was happily married to Reena for 15 years, when he jumped the gun, dumped her and kids and set up home with Kiran. Saif Ali Khan seemed settled in blissful matrimony with unlikely Amrita Singh, when after 13 years, he bolted the stables and took up with Rosa.

Aishwarya dumped Salman and then Viviek in quick succession with an eye on a more viable match. Recently, the nation sighed as Kareena dumped chocolate boy Shahid. Rest of them have had their flings and been grudgingly accepted back.

Of course, Shahrukh Khan is a constant surprise – not the loveliest of ladies he works with are able to distract his loyalty from wife Gauri.

In an age where faith to your spouse is an aberration rather than the rule, how can one trust relationships? Little girl Aarushi gets killed and it’s alleged that her father’s extra-marital fling is responsible; actress Maria cheats on her fiance and the poor bloke she seduced gets cut up into 300 pieces. These of course are extreme crimes. But everyday around us we see the suffering of friends who expected absolute faith and found it lacking in a partner; who expected the total truth, and found it interspersed with lies; who expected to be loved and cared for and felt neglected. It hurts and it hurts terribly when expectations are belied, when emotions get trampled and you feel cheated and ignored. What is the solution to all this angst?

It’s the fear of emotional turmoil that is responsible for the growing trend to remain single or to at least put off matrimony as long as possible. Fear of ending up in a bad relationship puts people off relationships. All of us know couples who refuse to have kids – out of fear of responsibility . Surveys have found that the freedom of not being responsible to anyone dictates the phenomenon of late marriages and no kids amongst youngsters today.

Shahrukh and Gauri

A young colleague confessed she was scared of getting into a relationship, let alone marrying. What does she fear? Obviously ,emotional hurt. I gave her the usual spiel of testing the waters for herself rather than standing on the edge, wondering . Yes, she sighed. Worse comes to worse, there’s always a way out. Ouch, what a way to go! There can be nothing worse than going into a relationship with an eye on the way out if things don’t work. The only way to make a relationship work is a determination to ensure it works.

And though it may sound cynical, truth is that a certain clamping down on expectations is quite the order of the day today. Do not expect absolute faith because faith can never be absolute, just as there is no total truth and no pure heroes nor villains. Fear of getting hurt cannot put you off relationships . Getting hurt is part of the process of learning and growing up – it’s how you deal with and react to hurt that determines the future of your relationship.

In a relationship, it’s important our expectations are reasonable and we focus on and seek what we think we need from another without looking for absolute perfection. You need love, care, a secure home environ and a share of happiness and fun with a modicum of togetherness. And of course, you need to give the same to your partner as well. These are the bare essentials. While some relationships are able to build from here and become great companionships, most usually stay stuck here. That’s fine. It’s when you don’t give or get even these basics that a relationship rocks dangerously.

A friend who just about shares a home with his wife while most of their relationship is really in tatters, complained the other day that his wife doesn’t even bother about him if he is fairly unwell. Asked if he cares about her welfare, he said, “Not really.” Fair enough, but does he at least show some concern for her welfare? The answer was a no. Why then would she bother about him? Where there is no care, there has to be at least a semblance of care. If even the pretense isn’t there, there is nothing left in that relationship!And, sometimes just the pretense is enough to build on a relationship. If he just brought himself to pretend an interest and show a concern for his wife, surely she too would rouse herself to do the same for him? And, who knows where the relationship would go from there? Even pretense can be a basis to build a relationship on, because at least it proves your commitment to try and make things work!

To strike a balance between the subliminal desire for a relationship and the conscious fear of responsibility that turns you away from it, what’s important is to beat down that fear, focus on what you want from the relationship and determine to make it work.

vinita.nangia@timesgroup.com

PS : This article had a big impact on me. I believe in the author’s view about commitment and relationship.