Guilt

Feeling-Guilty

For my silence
That cost you
Your home, your life

For my prejudices
That robbed you
Of respect and a fair fight

For my inactions
And my cowardliness
For my excuses
And my shamelessness

I deeply and sincerely
With all my heart apologize
For my inactions had consequences
I never realized.

I’m not making excuses
There is nothing I can say that’ll suffice
But I still wanted to say sorry
To let you know that I now empathize.

Everyone makes mistakes, they said
That’s how you learn;
But some mistakes let me tell you
Are not worth the lesson learnt

Some mistakes turn into guilt
They are like scars on your heart
They constantly remind you of your mistake
Until the mistake becomes your life’s part

Nothing that I say or do
Can make things alright
Nothing I say or do
Can bring back your life

So, in my feeble attempt to cure my guilt
As a small consolation, that it was not all in vain
On my life, I promise you this
I’ll never make the same mistake again.

Let’s share our silence

Since the past few days I have found myself in situations with people who don’t appreciate silence much. Everyone wants something or other to be said. They need some topic on which they can share their opinion and views. It is really hard for people to be in company of others and not talk or just remain silent. Even when most people are silent, in their mind they are thinking of some interesting topic to talk about. This happens more while talking to some girl. They can’t stand even two minutes of silence. On a long drive in a taxi from Lower Parel to Carter’s Road with 5 people squeezed in a taxi of 4, after spending a long and tiring evening, a friend declares to others that they all are boring as hell as they all have been silent since the past two minutes. Two minutes of silence had bored her. TWO MINUTES! I didn’t know what to say to her!

People now-a-days have really low threshold for getting bored. My 13 year old brother is bored when the he isn’t allowed to use the computer to use facebook and play farmville. Once a journey to a hill station, I was looking out of the car and admiring the scenic beauty while beside me he was cringing and twisting and constantly complaining how boring the trip was. I am not saying that he should look outside of the car and think of the big philosophical questions of life and all that stuff  but getting bored comes very easily these days. Not in front of computer, laptop, mobile – bored; on a train journey and mobile battery down – bored; sitting with a friend but out of things to talk about – bored. I don’t understand people’s need to constantly keep talking about things!

Silence is good. You don’t always have to be talking when you are with someone. It is okay to sit with someone and just be silent, to have a coffee with someone and not keep thinking about an interesting topic to talk. Even close friends are most times not comfortable with silences. The constant ‘So, what else’ is so fucking irritating while talking to someone that it puts me off and I don’t even feel like talking to that person after that. Once or twice is okay but if you keep saying ‘aur bata’ every 2 minutes, let us just not talk. People have this constant need to talk about something or the other. Its like silence is killing them in some way. They sometimes don’t even let you finish your side of the story. You are just about to add something more to the topic you have been talking about but in that 10 seconds of silence, they have already asked you what else is going on in your life and then you don’t even feel like talking about it anymore.

One of the biggest reason that people hate silence and are constantly looking for some topic to keep the conversation going is that if you can’t continuously talk to someone, then you are a bore. People these days are very quick to judge others. 5 minutes in the conversation and if there is more than 90 seconds of continuous silence, people wouldn’t like to talk to you after that. It is like every conversation they are having is supposed to be an entertaining session. It is like when they go to watch a movie in theater and if there is nothing interesting going on for five minutes, people take their mobile out of their pockets and start tweeting or Whatsapping or checking their facebook notifications. I feel so weird thinking that when I am talking to someone all they are interested in is being entertained like I am some sort of stand-up comedian.

I am comfortable with silence. I am okay with not saying anything when I am out of things to say. I can handle two-three minutes of silence. It is only when you are silent can you find another topic to talk about, right? Or do you guys make a list of ‘interesting topics to talk about’ and then choose a topic immediately after you finish talking about something. I am comfortable with silence and seriously if you are not than go ahead and start some interesting topic of conversation instead of repeatedly saying ‘what else’.

Honestly I don’t even feel comfortable around people with whom I can’t share some silence with. The sort of people who constantly need to talk don’t gel along well with me. And when you are constantly looking for things to talk about, the conversation stops being fun and starts feeling like a duty. A conversation should be easy going.

The fun in talking with people is not when you keep on looking for interesting things to talk about but when you can talk about anything. Sometimes when you are talking to someone it is so good cause there is this flow in your conversation and you don’t have to try hard to find something to talk about. That is a good conversation. I am not saying that you can have that with everyone but you should at the least have that sort of conversation with your close friends. And if at times, you don’t have anything to talk about than just stay quiet. It is okay to stay silent. After all, Silence is golden, right? Enjoy it. Savor it.

 

PS: I just had this feeling and I blogged it down without thinking much. Also, whoever is reading this article(that one friend of mine who is) please don’t take this in an offensive way cause this is not about you. This is a general opinion that I have about other people. Also, constructive criticism, PLEASE! 🙂